Slow Ballad Grudge Match!

Which syrupy endsong from a CGI showcase flick can caterwaul its heroine's name with the most style?

In the right corner:
Kaena: The Prophecy. Heroine: Kaena. Notable cast members: Michael McShane and Greg Proops in a Whose Line double feature, Dwight Schultz, John DiMaggio.

In the left corner:
The Golden Compass. Heroine: Lyra. Notable cast members: Count Dooku, a lot of other people who should've known better.

A few handicaps to note:

Kaena has a plan. "Lyra" has no clue: where are our lives / if there is no dream? "Kaena" has the obvious answer: if you should fall in the deep / to call the dreams / the vision in your sleep. In retrospect, it is easy to figure out.

On the other hand, Lyra is less likely to trip in the dark. Even although the night is falling on "Kaena", the sun is in sight. This sounds pretty good until you realize "Lyra" has the numerical advantage: and the stars look down upon her / this darkness settles on her. Remember, a sun is just one star.

Kaena's soul is the great attractor. "Kaena": echoes of the past / are flying to your soul, which is a distraction she doesn't need in the middle of a title bout. "Lyra"? Her soul walks besides her. Moving target, forces the enemy to split their attention. A tactical advantage.

Fuggit, just bring a spade. "Kaena": the truth is in her head. "Lyra": the truth lies deep inside her. At least Kaena knows exactly where it is.

The Showdown:
"Kaena" vs. "Lyra". You be the judge!

Special last-minute contender added--"The Dream WIthin" from Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. It hits all the right notes (stars, dreams, mysterious internal guidance, light, trust, love) but not once croons the name of Dr. Aki Ross, a critical failing.

My money's on "Kaena" because, let's face it, as bad as it is, it has more than one note. Several, in fact.

Damn, that Kate Bush song is really shitty.

I have to get a copy of this...

At last! A first peek at some rough character designs for the X-Men OEL shoujo manga. And everybody's sixteen! Except Magneto, he's gotta be a hard twenty. Imagine how awesome it'll be when they're all dating and angsty and dating and angsty and dating and crying and talking about their feelings and stuffs and Professor X (because no shoujo is complete without a vaguely icky pupil-teacher romance) will be all like, "Ben or Noel, Jean. Ben... or Noel?!" and then she'll cry sparkles 'cause she loves them both but in the end she chooses Phoenix and... yeah.

Teenaged girls hate subtlety

If I'm very good in this life, hopefully I will be reborn in the next as the person who has to write copy for manga like All Nippon Airline:

ANAL – All Nippon Air Lines – is a unique airline company. All of its employees are beautiful gay men. On top of that, relationships between employees, or even between passengers and employees, are highly encouraged! This is of course the premise for many hilarious situations and strange adventures both for them and for their passengers.

Now that's classic. Admittedly, the art of yaoi manga copy is not an easy craft to learn. For example, if it were up to me, I would describe Author's Pet like so:

Poor, poor Yuta. He's a high school student who's about to be used for the hot erotic gratification of a chickenhawk desk jockey with a bum arm! Sexual abuse let's go-go funny!!

Whereas the actual description reads like this:

High school student Yuta bumps into a man outside the train station, injuring him. The man's name is Tsubaki Nishijima, occupation novelist. In exchange for crippling his arm, Tsubaki demands Yuta work like a slave every day! Today's job is to take exact dictation of Tsubaki's words. Whaaat? What's with this perverted depiction of "Come”...!!! Isn't this sexual harassment?

See? There's a lot of nuance that goes into that work.

Welcome to my dark pit of not really that darkness

Costume design by Jessica Rabbit and the Ice Capades.

Because I owe certain people a post, here it is: Wendy Pini's Masque of the Red Death, the first original series (as conceived by Edgar Allen Poe) from Go! Comi. It's a daring "walk on the dark side" kinda like Hot Topic is a walk on the cutting edge of alterna-cool, but hey, it's free to read when you register at the Go! Comi site. Editor Audry Taylor describes it as "what all fans of homoerotic fantasy and horror dream of: a long and involving story line with a cast to die for ... characters who make love, pursue immortality, and suffer from the highest peaks to the lowest depths of human emotion."


"I can see the outline of your fibula and it is totally turning me on.
Also, I've sculpted my own hairdo out of marshmallow fluff."

I describe it as a slow-moving story about boring pro-ana assholes making glassy eyes at each other. There's been none of the promised love-making as of yet, but I imagine it will look pretty much like this when it comes.

As you may have noticed by now, the lead characters are styled, unsuccessfully, in what might be described as a pseudo-Peter Chung, pant-averse future look. People, if you want to draw emaciated yaoi reeds, don't do it halfway! Go all out and invest it with flair, or else your fellas just look repulsively disproportional. Despite Pini's professed interest in manga, her art here is much stronger--and less glaringly Photoshoppy--when it more closely resembles an exaggerated American animation style; no doubt there was a lot of effort put into this, but right now it's not gelling well.

As for the dialogue, well, it exists and it conveys information. So, uh, kudos on that accomplishment--

Bunchh [sic]: A woman's perfect breast... Royess' slinky grace... Steffan's bone structure... you're saying these miracles are just illusions fashioned by whims of the mind?!
Prosper: There's no miracle involved. Royess slinks in black because she wills it. Steffan looks as he does because he wills it.

--wait a minute, dude! This shit is just an infomercial for The Secret!


"I am devoid of all vital organs and muscle mass because I will it.
And now, I will you... to purchase my DVD for $29.95!"

That Asian dude better not be the evil character

So yeah, you could watch the Speed Racer movie. Or you could skip paying $11 to see Emile Hirsch act constipated-intense and just play any version of WipeOut instead, because that series kicks ass. Your choice.

I iz too a cosplayer cuz I has cat eers on

This book is as every bit as depressing as the cover image.

So photographer Elena Dorfman, as you may already know, took a series of photos of "cosplayers"--her words, not mine, as you'll see later--which has been released in the book Fandomania. The blurb goes like so:

"The theater of cosplay has no boundaries, is unpredictable, open-ended. It includes both the fantastic and the mundane, the sexually aberrant and innocent, female characters who become samurai warriors and brainy scientists, and male characters who magically change their sex." Explorations of identity through portraiture are at the forefront of Dorfman's work, with the blurred lines between fantasy and reality a continuing theme.

Not to hate, but after flipping through the book it becomes clear that Dorfman's bold statement is undermined by the fact that half the people in the book look like they were picked up at the cosplay equivalent of the Bowery Mission. Whatever Dorfman's intent, these dispiriting photos convey only the message that the theater of cosplay is one of cruelty, filled with sad, sad, predominately white people living a broken-down lie. I mean, who the fuck is this supposed to be? I feel like I should at least recognize this as a character but all I feel is a pervading sense of sadness and pity. You can do it! Defeat the emo that rages inside and reclaim your flip-flops! Go, girl, go!

What's this? Oh, it's just a trap. This isn't even cosplay either, it's just how people dressed at my high school. And that sloppy hanging thread just bugs.

There are costumes in the book that are much better, but for photos featuring some of the the saddest-looking cosplayers and so-called "cosplayers" around, Fandomania is a safe bet. Then again, you can find these exact same people loitering in front of the elevators at your local convention, shrill-voiced with "GLOMP ME!" signs and boxes of Pocky. It's like Hot Cosplay Mess...

...with a foam cover. There's no reason why it should be foam, nor does its foamy quality add anything whatsoever to the finished work except for a vague sensation of squishiness, but that's how awesome and well-thought-out this project is.

So... hard... core!

It's a perfectly fine tune, but do you really want to kick off a Letter from the Convention Chair with a song whose lyrics include the lines

For a feast for your eyes to see
An explosion of catastrophe?

Apparently, yes, yes you do.

Still, bonus points if ACen's opening ceremonies will also involve mascots with guitars and five rounds of skeletal chick boxing.

While we're at it, check out deleted scenes from Perfect Hair Forever. Oh, wait. No? That's not what it is? It's a Tandokucon promotional video? (Tandokucon: where panelists will be crushed by falling sheetrock and you will like it.) Well, watch it anyway. Gotta at least applaud the effort--I really like the end credits--while realizing it was a glorious diversion of time and effort from things that would actually have made the convention run good.

In an unrelated comment, am I the only one who thinks it's quietly amusing that Tandokucon promoted itself as the first anime con produced by an African-American owned group, but still won't use a mascot of color? Even all the characters in the promo video are white.

The devil is in the details

So Tandokucon has come and gone, to decidedly mixed reviews. The backstory, which deserves to be enshrined for all posterity, is that it was created by a Philadelphia-area mother as an alternative to the cost and hassle of having her daughter travel alone to faraway conventions. (Like, I dunno, New Jersey or Maryland or, um, Pennsylvania.) You do the math. And also--wait, what's that you say, Tandokucon website?

To us, TandokuCon is something more than just a good time.

Well, sure, I can understand that--

It is our way of fighting against a terrible epidemic: the loss of life amongst our young people.

--oh-kay, that's a new one, but--

The tragedy at Virginia Tech is an awful reminder of the callousness some feel towards this matter.

Wow. Alright, let's leave aside how that last sentence has no actual logical connection to anything that precedes or follows it, and move on...

Interesting Fun Facts: Tandokucon's host company, T-Con Expressions, was founded in October 2006. E'lea is now 20 years old. Is now really the time to express your concern with rented convention center space? Honestly? Are you going to wait until she's 24 to set up a polling booth on your street to save her the danger and expense of traveling to the nearest school or senior center to cast a ballot?

Anyway, more about T-Con Expressions:
Staffed by one person, TCON Expressions has recruited several volunteers to administer TandokuCon. The volunteers who comprise the convention staff are passionate about art, anime and the young people of Philadelphia. We are Project Managers, students, PR Professionals, Retail Professionals and Customer Service Professionals.

Inspiring. And possibly suggestive of multiple personality disorder. Customer service professionals, you say? (Best Guest Relations Liaison... ever!) Speaking of professional, how about this helpful Tandokucon website blurb from convention artist Daylen Wright?

"I've been using the alias 'Kizziesama' in honor of one of my personal best characters named Akurin Kizuo (nicknamed "Kizzie" for her last name). She gets the '-sama' suffix because her rank is the Queen of Hell after marrying Lucifer.”

You know, if you're trying to cut the poor girl a break by featuring her on your website, do her a kindness and edit her text for idiocy. It's the least you could do. Y'know, for the children.

In related con core competency news, ran across a Mahou Con flyer this weekend. And they still couldn't spell August. Do you want to give these people your money? I know you do!

Did New Hampshire teach you nothing?

Everyone and their mother wants to run a convention these days--literally, but more about Tandoku Con later--though sadly, not everyone deserves to run a convention.

Exhibit A for the prosecution: MahouCon '08. Is the California anime con circuit hurting for more? No. But too bad, here's MahouCon, a month after AnimeExpo and located in the same county. Perhaps it's merely a case of envy; even though its convention site is still under construction, that hasn't stopped MahouCon from taking out an ad swap on AnimeCons.com and cheerfully pirating AnimeExpo for what pieces of information they do have up and misspelled.

Although the event is scheduled for the Hotel Huntington Beach, it "may" move to the Anaheim Convention Center second floor if the event grows too big. (Not... likely.) Their tentative video room schedule is even titled "Video room if in Anaheim" and is organized by Anaheim Convention Center room numbers. The schedule also refers to a Go Tournament which you will not find referenced anywhere else on the site. You rock, MahouCon!

Best of all, the list of guests consists of--could it be, it is! Chris Hazelton ("he coming") and Amanda Tomasch! I'd suspect something but quite frankly, this effort looks so inept (with at-door prices like $22, $16, and $8--you've never seen registration in your life before, have you?) that I could honestly believe the organizers, whoever they might be, mistook the pair for, well, actual people in the industry.

One of us! One of us! One of us!

What's better than the mouth-foaming drama of Your Webcomic is Bad and You Should Feel Bad? A blog devoted to harshing on Your Webcomic is Bad And You Should Feel Bad! Especially when the blog that's critical of the criticism blog is, in and of itself, bad. The first scathing shot across John Solomon's bow is "Your web comic review blog is bad and you should feel bad for using a blatant Futurama quote instead of coming up with something yourself which is rather ironic considering you constantly rip on web comics for doing the exact same thing except with other pop culture phenomenoms instead of Futurama", a sure sign that we're not exactly looking at the next MST3K contender.

Who should feel bad? Who knows. Welcome to the Internet.

Here is my shoddy assemblage of cliches. Now buy my stuff!

There's still some weird mucky liquid at the bottom of the cup of delight that is Demented Dragon, so here we go with A Steel Wing Shattered by Chris Hazelton. First, the story in their own words:

In an average town a three hundred year unseen war is about to come to a head. Leona, a girl with no past must uncover the key to a place no living being has ever been, and secure humanity's place in the struggle to unlock the secrets of the universe itself. Her only clue is the mysterious woman known only as "Alsatia".

Because reading these things takes 1d4 SAN a shot, let's sum it up in brief. If your comic looks like it was lettered in Zapf Chancery, stop. You fail. Oh, and fellas--I know you love the boob size stuff, but it's not an adequate substitute for actual characterization and/or dialogue that suggests the women you know best all have little yellow subtitles when they talk. Nor is having characters walk in on each other naked novel or entertaining, but it does suggest you learned everything you know about writing by parroting anime and manga instead of developing talent, creativity, and an individual voice. And if your series is set in the modern day but it looks like it barely made it out of colonial Williamsburg, well, that's on you.

Here's the bottom line for all you would-be manga-ka out there: if you don't care enough to attempt even a bare modicum of professionalism and effort, maybe you shouldn't be doing this at all. Sure, we can't all be great artists or writers. But if you don't even try to do your best? If you're content to do half-assed work and call it good enough for print? That's an insult. Get the fuck out.

Are we done? I think we're done. Oh wait, he did some other stuff? Crap. Okay.

Chris also has another webcomic, a gender switcher called Misfile, and there's bras and recycled boob humor and cars and shit and more cars and he still hasn't figured out how to use a decent font. Right, now we're done.

Wow, New York guests at a New York convention!

Okay, but seriously, New York Anime Festival. When are you going to announce the good guests? Co-director for the new Evangelion money grabs, that's nice, but your guest list is about as vigorously vetted as a stray dog with three legs and most of the kind folks on it are only marginally harder to get than genital herpes.

Admittedly, exhibitor participation is probably the biggest feature of the New York Anime Festival--which underlines the impression that there simply doesn't appear to be much at the Festival that you couldn't find anywhere else, the Festival just has collected more of it in one place for your mechanical consumption. But with a month still to go, there's still a chance for some genuine excitement to develop...

What's that? Oh, it's only a vending machine.

Walking the streets of Japan? Afraid of becoming a crime victim? One woman may have the answer!

The other white meat

Want $100 off the price of the Fujoshi Paradise Tour? Buy a Digital Manga Publishing employee at Yaoi Con! And then please, please explain to him the principles behind graphic design so that he can take the knowledge back to the others. Life is too short for weak typography. Anyway, Ben comes "sporting a lovely Wa-Lolita outfit in a floral pattern" from Dreamshoppe. Will it look anything like these? Because not many men--even very pretty men--can carry off the Strawberry Shortcake Lives On Through Me look.

Other Yaoi Con delights include Cafe Verfuhren, where you can "[d]elight in the ever changing dynamics between the owner and his growing harem of bishie waiters as they serve up food, drinks, and hot fan-service for your enjoyment." Everyone involved is actually female, but I'm guessing that if your idea of a good time is watching American girls pretending to be boys patterned on female fantasies of vaguely homoerotic male behavior in order to immerse you in the culture of Japan, then this is for you. Bon appetit!

Come tour a magical land where people are fantasies and fantasies are people!

The Fujoshi Paradise Yaoi Tour snagged a brief mention in the New York Times today. Despite its promise to "take you into the secret garden of bishonen", it's just a standard Tokyo tour package with one day set aside for yaoi-themed activities. Okay, two days if you count taking your free day in Tokyo to, as they suggest, "Find your bishonen prince". Which you could probably do in Southeast Asia for cheaper, if that's the brand of cheap fetishization you're after. Or you can take the day to join the Tokyo Darkside goth-loli tour, which is the exact same tour except their special day is spent shopping, talking, and eating goth-loli, with dinner at the Alcatraz Medical Prison Restaurant. The latter seems about as authentic to the EGL experience as Trekkies dining at Mars 2112, but what do I know. Here, have a menu. They do birthdays.

As for the secret garden of bishonen? Shopping in Ikebukuro, two yaoi cafes, a visit with yaoi manga artist Makoto Tateno, and an all-male (sorry, "shapely Japanese bishounen"--speaking of fetishization...) variety dance show in Roppongi. Now, I don't know how big a yaoi manga artist Makoto Tateno really is, but the English release of her series Yellow is hilarious. Or at least the sample pages are, anyway.



Leaving aside the fact that so-called professionals laid this page out just like the Dungeons and Dragons maps I drew in Canvas 3.0 when I was 13, and in fact I would not be surprised if this was laid out in Canvas 3.0--the ellipse tool is a subtle and wily beast--"His identity is a secret, except that he's gay" is the best non-description I've seen since, well, White Wolf's classic "May be a Jew." Now that's the way to deftly establish character!

Drug use will make you sexy... so very, very sexy...

What's next in Demented Dragon's house of hack-rate horrors? Yoko Molotov's Stray Crayons! Now, Amazon lists the Editor on this one as Beth Mashburn. Yeah, the staffer who supposedly has a Masters in English. That's why she didn't bother to edit tounge, wierd (twice!), glamorus / layed, gulitly (incidentally, "fare the night alone" is crap English), rebeled, and experemented / probaly. That's just in 23 sample pages; does anyone over there give a shit? Rhetorical question.

If anyone over there is actually paying Beth Mashburn, for God's sake, stop. You could hire a bright seventh grader to surpass the job she's doing, plus you could pay the kid entirely in popsicles.

Anyway, like the copy says, Stray Crayons is based in the "beautiful, haunting city" that is Louisville, KY. Feast your eyes upon its majesty, folks. Quite possibly this story wishes to be "awesome manga with hot punk rock girls" while also being beautiful and haunting and deep and shit--Maud, our female lead, is a drug-user who's beaten by her boyfriend--but sadly, Ms. Molotov's skills are not nearly up to the task. If you liked Midnight Mirror, this has the same sense of narrative urgency, just with more boob and panty shots. Thrill to 23 pages of Maud talking to herself, sobbing "I probaly look like shit! ...or crazy, because I am an idiot!" and "You're right, I am such a jerk... a whiny little bitch!" while nothing. Happens. At all. It has all the subtlety of a dead raccoon. It's the type of comic where you get a sledgehammer lecture on a young girl's poignant lost innocence, yet the previous page treats you to upskirt action of the same girl.

And there's a sneak peek of Volume 2 on Yoko Molotov's site. It even comes with a "spolier warnin'." That means watch out, there's an awesome phonetic accent inside! An accent the same character didn't have in the Volume 1 preview pages!

Must've been the drugs.

your vanity press is bad and you should feel bad

The hell with it, let's go through the Demented Dragon catalog one-by-one. Demented Dragon is sponsoring Chris Hazelton's appearance at New York Anime Festival, by the way. Draw your own conclusions. Anyway, first up:

Throughout history, mirrors have been reffered to a source of mystery and magic.

So begins the steaming pile of hackery that is Midnight Blue, which promises something about magic mirrors. Instead it gives you a hero, Jay, who appears in sample pages 17-33 but spends pages 18-30 dispensing the following dialogue (presented in its entirety, original spellings and punctuation preserved):

Dammit I really suck... ...it's just not fair. Shit!
Piss off!
Oh shit... Willow
God I suck! Shit!! It's just not fair!
Fuck off you damn fairy!
Kei? What are you so happy about fat ass?! Hey J.R. - you idot cat...
What the hell? Kei you friggin bitch!

Trust me, the other pages are no improvement. It's kind of hard to tell which has more realistic dialogue: Midnight Blue, starring a borderline misogynist who makes Irredeemable Ant-Man look like the bastard child of Gandhi and Jesus Christ, or Richard McBeef. In all honesty, my money? It's probably on Richard McBeef. And that is just fucked up.

Artist Yishan Li is not terrible, though someone should really help her figure out if Jay has facial hair or not. As for who's responsible for okaying the oh-so-accurate depiction of "Western New York" circa 2006 A.D. (no shit, really?), God only knows. But downtown "Western New York"? Yes, we do have art auctions on the steps of City Hall. All the fucking time. And the neighborhood totally looks like this. In 2006 A.D., by the way. Just in case you missed the caption 4 pages ago.

Don't you love it when people can't be bothered to put any effort into their work?

Midnight Blue author Amanda Tomasch also happens to be the Publication Editor for Demented Dragon. She has quite the storied history on the anime convention scene; search out the Animecons mailing list if you like, but frankly, what matters is not so much her past. What matters is that she lacks talent and Demented Dragon sells crap, and maybe, just maybe, that might be the real reason not to prop her up on a guest chair to dispense advice to the gladdening crowds. But as I said before, the anime con circuit does not deal well with the concept of quality control, which is why Tomasch and Hazelton will make guest appearances at IkkiCon, AniZona, and ooh! Look at that shiny button on the JaniCon webpage.

In any case, it's no secret that the vanity press is not a new concept. Does that excuse grossly unqualified individuals from printing up half-assed shit? Not really. You'd like to think Ms. Tomasch, or perhaps the other so-called Editor swanning around this outfit and apparently trying to prove that a Masters in English really is completely useless, could figure out that the English language does not include the words "majestey", "patheic", "repsibility", just as it lacks a place for "reffered", "peice", and "idot". You'd like to think. But you'd be wrong. And Demented Dragon expects you to hand them money for it. Integrity? Basic respect for art and the written word? Pride in putting out competent work? Who cares, we're official manga artists and publishers now, son! We're convention guests!

Oh, and this is just funny in a pathetic sort of way. So's this. And this one too.

Because it's not Scottish

Not sure if you're going to attend the New York Anime Festival? Then sister (or brother), let us tempt you with their dazzling guest list to date, including "prominent online artists" such as:

Juno Blair B, writer and illustrator of Star Cross'd Destiny! Star Cross'd Destiny is a webcomic--sorry, serialized graphic novel--about a teenager called, um, Juno. A "sad, traumatic" teenager, mind you. With powers over "weather and metaphysical darkness." (Can't you do something about your own emo then, lass?) And an '87 Shelby Daytona Pacifica which, I'm guessing, is not at all reminiscent of the author's own '89 Shelby Dodge Daytona.

Actually, there are a lot of teenagers in this; there's an embargo on main characters above the age of 20. Yes, the author is that type of borderline anime Sue. Logan's Run is all you can look forward to if anime fans rule the earth, I tell you. Still, keeping everyone in the same age bracket is a handy excuse to draw everyone the same; props to you if you can distinguish any of them from the thumbnails.

Supposedly this won an award. Supposedly.

Lindsey Henninger, "the most popular artist on anime art portal theOtaku.com". And you can clearly see why! Breast cancer: what anime girls have in common. Actually, they don't, because the teen demographic is not big on mastectomy storylines in their sexy robot catperson boylove power fantasies, but whatever. You get the idea. I mean, she meant well. The point is, she has what it takes to be a prominent online artist at a Reed Exhibitions event. Reed Exhibitions: "generating billions of dollars in business" in 34 countries worldwide, to bring you this. So please, take in what NYAF calls "her unique art and coloring style". Take it in and suck on it. Mmm, delicious.

Chris Hazelton, and I didn't get much farther than the front page for his webcomic Building 12 before I realized life was too short for such pain. My life, anyway, but not yours. As a fun aside, there are probably more aliens (2) than people of apparent African descent in it (0), because that's just the way shit goes down in this fandom. Be sure to check out his mad lettering skillz and a page from his apparently published work, A Steel Wing Shattered. The work is rated 16+ but it already evinces all the comic design sensibility of someone who's 11. Okay, maybe 12.

And that's rated 16+ as according to Chris's "publisher", Demented "We Can't Distinguish Between 'Its' and 'It's'" Dragon. Pay for a fucking editor, people. Just goddamn do it already. Also, it took me all of two seconds to pull this map up on Google--you see how there's that bit to the west that isn't New York City, much less a poorly filtered image of downtown (southern) Manhattan labeled "Western New York"? Ah, but my ire at self-styled publishers who have no interest in learning or applying the basics of editing and presentation--comics don't need asterisks to denote sound effects, by the way--it runs away with me. ("Rift the heaviest graveyard stone" indeed, what did Lafcadio Hearn ever do to deserve this?) I digress. (I bet I could put manga-style pictures to Atlanta Nights and they'd still publish it... yeses.) My favorite line from their website: "Originality in both story and art are always a plus!" And they have neither, so there you go. Dare you not to check out Yoko Molotov's Stray Crayons, which is "based in Yoko Molotov's hometown of Louisville KY, a beautiful, haunting city." Louisville: the Paris of the South. Or, knowing Demented Dragon, West.

Now, not to begrudge people the creative urge, and no doubt these artists will improve over time somehow, but the anime convention circuit sure does love to celebrate itself some low-level-mediocrity-verging-on-outright-crap. Certainly there are times when it's hard to get a person of the caliber you want, or even one who could pass as a journeyman professional. But is that really a reason to give feature status to any warm body with a Wacom tablet who presents at the door? Does that do the artist, the fan community, or the industry--or even an event's reputation--any favors?

I ain't sayin', I'm just sayin'.

When content writes itself

The 1st Annual Naruto Star Trek Convention. There, my job is done.

But your job has just begun! The Convention is looking for panelists to come up with 2 panel topics that, God is my witness, combine both Naruto and Star Trek for discussion. So come to the convention and, as the organizers say, "[f]ind out why Naruto and Star Trek are more alike than you think." Because they're not going to tell you on their website. And frankly, they probably won't even tell you when you attend the convention.

A hint or two would be much appreciated because all I can picture is Picard squealing "I'm gonna be Admiral! Make it so!" while Beverly Crusher cries a lot because she's a sissy-pants medical officer and no use to anyone on the Away Team and then I want to cry too, quietly and alone in a corner.

Everything's wetter under the sea

Time for more mascot escapades, this time featuring the latest incarnations of Anime Boston mascots A-chan and B-kun. Anime Boston seems to have an aquatic theme for 2008, which is no doubt why their webpage features A-chan trying to check out B-kun's tacklebox. And taking notes on what she sees.



Whee! It's like someone spotted hidden treasure down there.

Vox Populi

Dear Illuminati:

I used Action Replay on my video game and now it doesn't work properly. I contacted the original video game manufacturer and asked for assistance but nobody replied. Why? And what can I do now?

Signed,
Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,



Your question is so clueless, just reading it has driven Blackbolt OOC. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Shooting you into space with our minds,
The Illuminati

Eat Drink Mad Villain

Good news, everybody! It's the upcoming series Three Delivery!

Three Delivery is set in a magical Chinatown and follows the adventures of a group of orphaned teenage delivery kids who are also Kung Fu-fighting superheroes. Together, they must prevent the evil Kong Li from collecting powerful, ancient food recipes that have the power to unleash dark forces upon the world.

Finally, someone acknowledges those underrepresented themes of Chinese kung-fu and evil Chinese men! But tell us more, creator Larry Schwarz:

“The show is a fantasy, but the characters are written as real kids who viewers will want to emulate. We also incorporated tween trends, including extreme bike riding, punk and EMO."

Really? Emulate real orphaned delivery kids? Wow, I can taste the awesome already, and it tastes like EMO! I'll let the press release explain further:

When orphans Sue, Sid, and Toby are recruited by Nana to make deliveries for Wu's Garden Chinese restaurant, they see it as a chance to move out of the orphanage and ride cool bikes.

Two things:
A) Nana got to stop with that child labor shit.
B) Seriously, those kids have got to be dumb. As. Fuck.

Anyway, Three Delivery. Coming this fall!

The Order #1

So here's the deal: California's LA-based Initiative team is composed of regular humans juiced up into superheroes with really boring names and powers. And a Greek pantheon-based sorting system that doesn't work at all, just like Ares once his royalty checks start rolling in. There's no genuine reason why arbitrarily designating team roles as Hera, Apollo, or Athena works any better than Strategist, Tank, or dozens of other words that are completely free to use (until Stark applies for trademark registration), but you'll have to sit through the official explanation whether you like it or not.

Anyway, this issue won't set the stars ablaze but there's enough here to show promise, especially if you're not wedded to the idea of four-color superheroes. (Speaking of color, the cast includes not one, but two physically handicapped minorities--c'mon, would it be so hard to let at least one of 'em keep a pair of functioning legs?) Our characters are adults who recognize, to varying degrees, that it's all basically a set-up. So do you join up to save the world? Or so you can use your new powers to skip traffic on the freeway? Sure, it's a little cynical, but hel-lo, LA.

Barry Kitson's art is solid, which also helps. Incidentally, I suppose it's too much to ask that action star/charity diva Magdalena turns out to have an international passel of adopted orphans or a Kabbalah bracelet, is it? No? Oh well.

The deal-clincher, though, is that everyone gets fired in the first issue. Okay, not everyone. But a bunch of people are unceremoniously handed the pink slip, and it is awesome. This is something the Marvel Universe could frankly use a lot more of, as its employment standards are pretty laughable:

X-MEN: So, A-List Villain, you've been killing people off and on--mostly on--for the past ten years or so without remorse or regret?
VILLAIN: Yup.
X-MEN: Even tried to kill us a number of times, I see.
VILLAIN: Uh-huh. In fact, I'm thinking about poking your eyes out right now.
X-MEN: Welcome to the team!

Also, there's a bear with a jetpack. I'm not one for bears with jetpacks, as a rule, but if you have to have bears with jetpacks, LA is as appropriate a place as any to send 'em. So--go bears!

Where is the good stuff?

Aoi House: because creativity would take effort. Published by Seven Seas and appearing in Newtype USA, this OEL manga "harem comedy that's truly like none other" features the truly, truly unique elements of:

* A harem, duh.
*A panty-stealing character hamster!
* Everyday protagonists who end up living in a cra-a-azy dorm full of people... of the opposite sex!
* A shy, dark-haired girl with glasses! A sassy, trouble-making redhead! Rich blonde girl! Plus, other characters you've seen a dozen times before!
* A theme song featuring 101-level Japanese lyrics!

My God! Can you stand the sheer novelty of it all? Sure, it's a collection of overused stock elements that justifies OEL manga's occasional bad rap as nothing more than cheap imitation. It even reads right-to-left. But on the other hand--well, there is no other hand. Still, the artwork by Shiei is competent, if very generic. Who knows, maybe even Aoi House was supposed to be unoriginal. You know. A very post-modern artistic statement. Or something. Besides, it's not the creators' fault they got published or that people are willing to buy this stuff.

And yeah, it's a manga set in America where all 7 main characters are pleasingly pale to the eye. If Wikipedia is to believed (as I haven't read the hard copy of the books), one character was supposed to be African-American, but there were toner problems. Never heard that one before, but OK. Sorry, African-Americans! It's not that they didn't want put a token representative in this manga. It's just that they couldn't, 'cause of the technical issues involved with your darkness and all. And there just wasn't time to hire a replacement here. Maybe you can appear in an upcoming volume once they can do that toner stuff. Or maybe not.

But hey, at least the gay character isn't a comedy prop portrayed as an effeminate freak unable to resist straight men due to his uncontrollable queer man-lust, right?

Right. Does he turn kindergarteners and Cub Scouts gay in his spare time, too?

In any case, lest you think author Adam Arnold was completely asleep at the right-side wheel, his notes make it clear that lots of effort did go into developing a quality product:

We've even taken steps to ensure that all the girls' bust sizes are as varied as possible. Nina's are the smallest, but she's quite macho. I'll let you try and figure out which girl has the largest.

Thanks, guy! But I'm afraid I'll pass. On all counts.

Anime: a beacon of nuanced multi-ethnic representation since, well, never

Hey fan-kids! Want to blog against racism? I know you do, because it's easier than trying to make a difference in the "real" world! And now pretense to action is cooler than ever with these handy dandy anime icons! Nothing creates concrete change like a "ninja against racism" icon, because you know how Naruto is about the fight against--against, well, ninja, mainly. Um. Maybe they're ninja who stand for racism (except for the good guy ninja, who stand only for being ninja) and also ninja.

Here at Power Level One Million, we're ready to join International Blog Against Racism Week and speak out against racism. For a week. On a blog. Which only a few of our friends read. Because that's how we'll turn back centuries of institutionalized inequality. See, there's even an icon.



Because like so many bloggers out there, we too can commit... to looking committed. As long as it can be accomplished entirely from the comfort of our computer wheely chair, anyway.

Hello Kitty: Mark of the Beast, Mark of Shame

Because tardiness and littering are adorable! But did Sanrio okay this?

It's also made for a man but strong enough for a woman

Just as video games increasingly attempt to emulate film, there must be an equal and opposite reaction. And here it is: a film that emulates a video game cutscene, but alas, not on purpose. Action sequences: good, of course. Everything else: well, just tune in at 4:25 into the trailer and thrill! To! Acting! If that doesn't make you feel like you are right there in the recording booth, nothing else will.

CATBLUE Dynamite! Making its stateside premiere at the New York Anime Festival this winter. Good luck.

We're all the same on the inside. And the outside, too.

Presenting the Life (ライフ) manga by Suenobu Keiko, featuring the most indistinguishable series of tankoubon covers ever.

Anime Punch, Bomb, Stab, Shoot

So maybe there aren't many anime convention mascots of color in America. But what does a convention mascot stand for, anyway? Anime Punch, the convention that proudly posits otaku as the self-important roaches in humanity's bleak future, has given mascots Ann (19) and Penny (11) a backstory:

Choosing the difficult path of dedicated martial artists they live outside the bounds of civilization, rejecting any comforts, and never backing down from a fight. They are forever white-belts; unable to advance in rank because they killed their master. On top of that, they must face the shame and indignity of not being able to avenge his death because they were the ones who defeated him.

The difficulty of the dedicated martial artists' path is clear; while both girls are "karate white-belts with a traditional karate uniform", Ann uses "a long Japanese sword, or dual pistols" while Penny's "weapons of choice are handfuls of knives or bombs". At first I thought their contradictory backstory was toked up after a few bouts of Street Fighter Turbo, but I can see it all now:

ANN: Tell me, master. Why are we still unable to progress beyond the beginner's white belt?
TIGER SCHULMANN: My young students, karate is more than a martial art. Thus, you will never advance in karate until you understand what karate is, and what it is not.
ANN: Like?
TIGER SCHULMANN: Like that time you unloaded two Glock 9mms full of Black Talons into your sparring opponent on Family Demonstration Day. The point of unarmed self-defense is not to wallow in deadly incendiaries and firearms--a simple point, perhaps too subtle, that seems to have escaped you. Didn't you ever watch The Karate Kid? And you, bomb freak--you're 11. What the hell is wrong with you? You're outside the bounds of civilization!
ANN: The Karate Kid isn't cool. I wanna be like The Matrix. Now that was cool. I watch it a lot. 'Cause it's cool. Yeah... I like The Matrix.
PENNY: Now, master, your fate is sealed, just as you have so cruelly and unjustly sealed ours. [throws bombs and knives] Ahahaha! Ahahaha!
TIGER SCHULMANN: [dead]
ANN: Still, Penny--I think we will keep these karate uniforms, to remind us of what has transpired this dark day.
PENNY: Yes. Also, because they were free with our introductory month of classes.

Weak.

Somehow it has escaped my attention until now that anime conventions--not many famous ones, but anime conventions nonetheless--are commissioning commemorative hand-forged katanas from BowenDragon1. Because nothing says "trust me with your money" like cheesy animated GIFs. Admittedly, katanas aren't nearly as cool as the Flashing Hair Blade, which totally sounds like an exotic concealed weapon for deadly lady assassins everywh--oh. Oh. It's not.

Moving on, as an extra bonus, a blindfolded e.e. cummings writes website copy for the Kumoricon Katana:

pick up will be at BowenDragon1 booth when dealers room is open ID is required. .Swords ordered before August 18, 2007 will be delieverd at show.. after cut off date swords will have to be shipped.. check walk in for delieverly at show.

In any case, should you find yourself paying for one of these things, you'll want to take proper care of it as soon as you get it home. This is best accomplished by quickly and forcefully impaling yourself upon its naked blade--thereby mitigating some, if not all, of the shame of being so pitiable as to have purchased a commemorative anime convention katana. Enjoy!

Dear X-Factor (or next of kin):

Please to be explaining what you are doing in World War Hulk/X-Men #3. You're not exactly the X-Men A-list. Or B-list. You are, with all due respect and affection, the Kathy Griffiths of the Marvel superhero world. Jamie wasn't even up to lifting a finger against Black Bolt in Silent War, and now you want to go a round against the guy that kicked Black Bolt's ass?

I've heard Monet has an IQ in the double, nay, triple digits. Could she not be bothered to explain in painstaking detail that you cannot stop the Hulk with witty banter and pop-culture references? No? OK, fine, whatever. I will merely submit for your consideration the Events So Far:

Beast: Oh my God, our species is nearly extinct! Even the death of a single mutant is a solemn event! ...so anyway, kids, let's all try and gangbang the biggest, baddest Hulk ever and see what happens.
New X-Men: [fighting Hulk] Yay! Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Pain. Ow.
Cyclops: OK, now the grown-ups try!
Xavier: Scott, even I think that's a dick move. Everyone, it's far too dangerous to fight the Hulk--
Cyclops: Shut up! I said, everybody fight the goddamn Hulk! Emma, help me make sure everybody fights the Hulk.
X-Men: [fighting Hulk] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ohdeargodjesusmyarms. Ow.
Kitty: This is so lame.

Think about it.

Yours sincerely, etc.

Dear Marvel:

When can I expect a Bob, Agent of HYDRA limited edition cold-cast porcelain statue? When?

I would be willing to settle for a high quality resin bust. But make it quick.

Yours with the deepest sincerity, etc.

Stallion? Neigh!

Now that I am the proud (?) owner of a gift copy of Stallion, everyone's favorite wild west English-language yaoi, I can say not only is it definitely sucky, but it's also half a book short.

You'll only realize this if you purchase the book online since there's no mention of it on the book cover, but Stallion only takes up half of its volume--the rest of the space is taken up by two other shorts from Studio KÔSEN, plus the story Cancellation of Darkness. So not only is the story basically kinda crappy, it's not even the crap you thought you were paying for. Thanks, Yaoi Press!

Anyway, Stallion is the thinly-scripted story of a trio of forgettable anorexics with rigorous depilatory regimens, whose fates and loves intertwine under the hot desert sun or something to that effect. The titular (Savage) Stallion is a generic Native American from a nameless tribe that mostly consists of an old woman in a tipi. (In the middle of a barren wasteland devoid of plant life? Well, alright, I suppose.) His purpose in this narrative is to a) be token exotic eye candy, and b) take it up the ass from various white folks such as Josey the bounty hunter, unto whom Stallion gladly renders a blow job and a portion of his own soul. Watch out for soul syphilis!

Still, the creators attempt to give Stallion some dignity. Or not. Actually, they just compare him to an animal:

Since he has a name related to horses, we wanted to give Savage Stallion some slight features from them. His eyes are a bit bigger and darker than the other characters [sic] ones. His buttocks are a bit rounder...

That's as close as you're ever going to get to character notes in this thing, so get used to it.


Anyway, opposing Josey and his white man's burden is the wispy cowboy Bill (seen above), who shares the same tragic eating disorder as his foes and draws webcomics in his spare time. Despite being about as intimidating as a hipster working the Soho Apple store, cowboy Bill still manages to ride around the desert raping our heroes until Stallion fells him with a thrown dagger between the eyes. A dagger he keeps unsheathed and tucked in the back of his modesty thong:


Yes, that makes perfect sense.

See, I've never tried to ride horses and tackle bounty hunters in the old west, much less do so with a naked blade shoved down a G-string. It is entirely possible that the practice poses no potential hazards whatsoever to the integrity of my underwear and my fulsomely rounded, horse-like buttocks. So I guess I should cut KÔSEN some slack.

I'm also willing to cut linguistic slack to the Spanish KÔSEN, who seem like a fairly likeable pair of artists for all their authorial shortcomings. But Stallion was supposedly edited by Xaviera Pallars and Yamila "Female Parts That Make You Feel Icky" Abraham, neither of whom figured out that dialogue like "They said my tits were too big for the dress" doesn't ring true to the wild west. (For what it's worth, the OED traces the slang usage of "tits" to 1928.) None of this stopped Stallion from getting four stars on Amazon, for what it's worth (not a lot). But let's face it, if you're looking for plot, characterization, and writing, what the hell are you doing reading girls' manga porn in the first place?

On the other hand, if you're bored at work and you want to see how many people will start laughing after reading the back cover copy alone, then Stallion is well worth the purchase. I highly recommend it!

Special Bonus Feature!
The last page of Stallion is an ad for Zesty!, a free shounen-ai webcomic from Yaoi Press, featuring rave reviews from the likes of... PikachuGoddess and TwilightDNA?

More manga copy I love (not really)

Via Go! Comi press release:

CY-BELIEVERS is the new series by Shioko Mizuki, creator of Go! Comi’s highly popular CROSSROAD. When Ryo’s controlling father betroths her to a lecherous upperclassman, her only hope is a club of hot computer geeks!

In A.I. REVOLUTION the daughter of a scientist finds herself surrounded on all sides by violent bishonen robots who she must teach to live — and love — like humans.

Query: does it really matter if robots must learn to live - and love - like humans? That's what humans are for. Still, people never tire of stories about the human-robot condition even though robots are really for shooting laser beams at people you dislike and transforming into jetcopters (also with lasers). You know. Useful activities.

Let's face it, anyone who invests countless research dollars and hours of manpower in designing a robot, however pretty, whose highest purpose cannot be achieved until it's ready to direct-dial my cell at 3 AM on a work night and sobbingly demand to know why I won't talk about our relationship, deserves only to be punched repeatedly in the face. Then again, people never tire of saying "I get the premise, but why would anyone breed super-intelligent sharks to cure the disease?" or "I get the premise, but why do governments continually invest in secret programs to create out-of-control psychic killing machines?" and handing over ten bucks for a ticket (or manga) anyway.

Hell, I paid to see Aeon Flux. And the return on my investment was every bit as terrible as I'd hoped.

Welcome to my dark pit of darkness, but watch out--it's dark!

Ah, the Great Lakes Avengers/Initiative/what have you. A promising idea, often executed with all the subtlety and nuance of a sledgehammer to the cranium. (Maybe I'll start buying once they get rid of the editorial commentary by the damn talking squirrel.) Yet there are still bits--this one courtesy of the Deadpool/GLI Summer Fun Spectacular preview at PopCultureShock.com--that are so, so right:


It's like half the shows and comics I've seen, all compressed into one tidy panel!

This got four stars on Amazon. Four. Stars.

Orchiee Fairchild the third is an exorcist who hops through the land on his pogo stick purging demonic powers with his living marionette companion, Doodoo. Orchiee's travels brings him to Kingsgoie Lanzbarg University where he meets the beautiful student Philip Gillson, who employs him for a spiritual cleansing. A love affair brews between the two right as strange events start happening at the University. A dark force is raping and brainwashing the male students. It's up to Orchiee and Doodoo to put a stop to it.

I'm not sure, but I think this is supposed to come off as wacky and zany instead of half-assed and sorely needing a functioning proofreader. Who wrote this crappy copy? Why did they feel the need to waste space on irrelevant details like "Kingsgoie Lanzbarg"? Who thought this cluttered mess of a title logo in any way resembles a professional product worth your hard-earned cash?

Anyway, such is the wonderously amateurish pitch for OEL yaoi as brought to you by the febrile mind of Stephen Doerr, self-styled illustrator/sculptor/martial artist/janitor and author of Exorcisms and Pogo Sticks. Personal motto: In Doerr We Fart. Oh, the sparkling wit! Don't take my word for it--Sequential Tart's Kat "Lowering the Bar" Avila claims that "Doerr's fanciful character designs and humor-filled dialogue can put a silver lining in any cloudy day." Personally, I would prefer that Doerr's fanciful character designs not put the thought of Adam Warren: The Early Middle School Years in my mind, but what the hell do I know.

However, the best part, and by "best" I mean "most likely to make me question the existence of God", is that there is in fact a second volume of Exorcisms and Pogo Sticks: The man-slut Orchiee and his marionette side-kick Doodoo are back for another arcane adventure blah blah blah. As terrible as the pitch is, you can amuse yourself for at least five minutes by coming up with your own names of Doerr-esque absurdity and inserting them where appropriate:

The man-slut Glamour McDanger, Esq. and his marionette side-kick Buttpunch...
The man-slut Fheevee J. Johnson Jr...
The man-slut Wackums von Tittles-Guffaw...

Try it yourself, it's fun! Or at least, something to do while waiting for the bus.

101 Things to Do in Long Beach When You're Dead Inside

One easy way to entertain coworkers at an anime convention is to pick up the free, glossy literature lying around and read it aloud. For example, grab the ICv2 Guide to Manga, open it up to a random page, and read the following manga descriptions in your best movie trailer voice:

1. This shonen ai/yaoi manga features pure love at the judo club between a cute boy and an ideal man.

2. A male shinigami is sent to earth on a mission, but instead of a normal skeletal form in a mix-up he gets the body of a sexy catholic high school girl, whose spirit ends up in the skeleton so she has to tag along and try to keep the shinigami's dirty mitts off her nubile form.

3. So when he catches a glimpse of a beautiful stranger and her strawberry panties set against the backdrop of the setting sun, all he can think about is recreating the scene on film. Thinking she is the owner of the underwear in question, Junpei begins dating the popular and perky Tsukasa, hoping that as his girlfriend she'll be willing to appear on camera. Little does he know that shy, nerdy, bookworm Aya also owns a pair of strawberry panties...

4. A rash of unexplained deaths on the U.S. border with Mexico provides the backdrop for this OEL yaoi romance thriller. Rated 18--hey, I know that one! The art's really good for a yaoi title, too:


Frank says: I thought we agreed NO CHICKS.


Oh, Hatemonger. Your white power wuv is so twoo.

White Town

Looky look, it's the 10 finalists for the New York Anime Festival Mascot Contest! What best captures the spirit of anime in New York City, that melting pot of all conceivable nations and cultures?



White people. How white? Bavarian-Holly-Hobbie-goes-street-urchin white.

Okay, to be fair, the Ringo Broadway girl is kinda taupe. But you'll probably sooner see an inhuman mascot like a fucking apple robot or a catgirl or a flaming dog-lizard in a military jacket before you ever see a anime event mascot who looks, for example, African-American. Or even Cablinasian. Cablinasian would at least be a start. Caucasian, East Asian, gay, straight, possible were-lepus transvestite, human-animal hybrid, robot, whatever--all of these are perfectly acceptable features in anime convention mascots, just as long as they're not brown.

Anyway, feel free to continue blithely endorsing them dominant racial norms here until the poll closes on June 29th!

Your improbable girlfriend is blocking my view of the exploding robots, please move

The New York Times has an article on Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, screenwriters for the upcoming Transformers movie. Alex, I'll take "Crapping on a Perfectly Good Franchise" for $100:

What ultimately sold Mr. Kurtzman and Mr. Orci (who share a story credit on the film with John Rogers) on “Transformers,” and Mr. Bay as well, was the opportunity to tell a story about a boy and his car — a car that just happens to be a robot in disguise.

“It’s all the things that a car represents in this country,” Mr. Orci said. “That’s a story of stepping into adulthood, stepping into responsibility, possibly a gateway to sex. That is a story — with or without a giant robot.”

Sorry, but what you've actually described are all the things that Kiss Play represents. Next time, you might want to try describing a story about things that are actually awesome.

Am I completely out there? You can tell me if I'm totally out there. Was I the only one that loved Transformers for the robot dinosaurs and Sharkticon pits and shit? Or was I actually supposed to be immersed in Spike and Daniel's Decepticon-plagued passage to manhood? 'Cause I'd rather have robot dinosaurs.

Licensing show news you'd rather not use

Hot on the trail of other Transformers animated series we didn't really need, it's Transformers Animated! Offering a "new twist on the original series", each episode is "a standalone storyline featuring everyday heroes who do good deeds that triumph over evil."

Alas, "everyday heroes" suggests less robots with laser guns, more fleshbags like little girls named Sari who are voiced by Tara Strong. But that's the core appeal of the Transformers brand: stirring tales of plucky humans who do the right thing and wear The Strokes T-shirts. Not, as is commonly believed, talking robots who transform into jets and eat planets. Not at all.

Maybe he can date Marissa in issue #4

Dear Greg Pak:

Thanks for adding more Asian-American characters to the Marvel Comics stable. But seriously, guy, you can take Amadeus Cho back now. The comics world--okay, let's face it, the world--needs more Sooper Brilliant Teenagers Who Outwit Grownups and Stuffs... in Your Face! about as much as it needs more Random Asian Ninja Cheesecake. ("No, seriously, I'm British!") Tacking the word "ASIAN!" between "Sooper" and "Brilliant"? Does not automatically redeem this or any idea.

As you said last year: "I had this idea of doing a story about an insanely smart kid, but one who wasn't a reject or dork or geek."

You and every other fanfic writer on the intarweb. But hey, you know, the ranks of Marvel Universe superbrains/futurists/crazed geniuses/etc. are so devoid of male characters, at least you're breaking utterly new ground on that angle.

...nah.

Next!

Yours with the deepest sincerity, etc.

Also try Jerich Olives.com for all your catering needs

Huzzay! CBS has decided to give Jericho seven more episodes. Which means the rest of you potential fan agitators should already be selecting delicious, delicious treats to best suit your message. In fact, it's best not to wait for a reason to protest; pre-emptive action is the key. Example: want to ensure Viz continues releasing Yakitate!! Japan? What better encouragement than boxes upon boxes of scrumptious confections and baked goods, right now?

Fauchon and Payard both ship. Not a request, merely a suggestion.

Meanwhile, a Television Without Pity poster asks:

Just what is the responsibility of TWoP with regard to throwing its ever-expanding influence solidly behind this effort?

To which the obvious answer is the sound of hysterical, soul-dead laughter.

Don't ask, don't tell

INSTRUCTIONS: Select two out of the following three questions, or invent your own. (90 minutes, 50%)

Question 1. I chair an anime convention whose mission statement, like many other conventions, includes the promotion of Japanese culture. This is accomplished both by the convention and volunteer panelists through events such as matsuri themes, tea ceremonies, and the Let's Talk Shinsengumi Hour. Please explain in 500 words or less whether this may risk reinforcing a fetishistic approach towards "understanding" the culture of Japan, and whether this is in fact inferior to any other approach that could be undertaken in this format.

Question 2: Anime is cool. Manga is cool. Japan is cool. Japanese characters are cool. Especially if they are babes. I am a white college student in New Hampshire who has created a webcomic based on precisely this philosophy, and I am not alone. Please explain in 500 words or less what this could or should mean, if anything, for Japanese Asian-Americans; for non-Japanese Asian-Americans; and whether Asian-Americans in general should consider the fad for things Japanese to be a positive sign, another wave of Oriental exoticism, a combination of the above, or none of the above.

Question 3: I am a teenager in Kenya who does not speak fluent English, but I am obsessed with American network TV. It is far superior to anything on Kenyan TV. Please explain in 500 words or less how my love of American network TV will grant me a deeper understanding of what it means to be American, thus fostering my cross-cultural competence, and how American network TV carries a unique message of female empowerment that I find refreshing.

Extra Credit, Option A: If you selected Question 1, please explain in 250 words or less why I, as convention chairman, should be free to exclude the consideration of any or all Asian/Asian-American issues and concerns from the planning, staffing, content, and execution of my Japanese culture event.

Japanese for everyone

The absolute best example ever of how to use the phrase 汝の敵を愛せよ ("Love thine enemy") in context, from Love, Hate, and Everything in Between: Expressing Emotions in Japanese (Mamiko Murakami, Kodansha 1997):

A: 「もういいかげんに許してやれよ、聖書にも 『汝の敵を愛せよ』ってあるじゃないか」
B: 「冗談じゃないよ、敵は憎らしいもんよ」

A: You've been holding this grudge long enough. Why don't you forgive the guy? You know, like it says in the Bible and all, "Love thine enemy."
B: Don't be ridiculous. I hate my enemies.

Better yet, you can turn to page 154 for the following chapter: "We've been through a lot together! Now let's break up!"

Boy, 11, kills traumatized forest god

Inoshishi-gama, no-o-o!

This shit is bananas ($2.50 / lb, UPS Ground and sales tax extra)

By way of Defamer comes word that fans are sending CBS boxes upon boxes of delicious, delicious roasted peanuts to protest the cancellation of Jericho.

No idea what that show is? You're not alone. Still, according for the NUTS for Jericho page at NutsOnline.com, thousands of pounds of delicious, delicious peanuts have already been shipped to CBS. Technically the nuts will be sent on to City Harvest (in America, feeding the underprivileged is a task left to upfronts and inmate executions) but nobody will notice a missing pound, or fifty, stashed in the employee break room, perhaps the trunk of a intern's car.

Obviously, this "Pay Company A to send Company B a Shitload of Tasty Treats" strategy is a superlative one that anime fans should immediately adopt as well. Sure, you probably still won't get your show or your Sonic the Hedgehog voice actor or whatever, but Company A gets money and Company B gets Omaha Steaks for everyone, even Carol in reception. Did you know that licensing companies respond very favorably to Omaha Steaks? Because they do. (Better than they do to the fifty identical voice messages you left on the feedback line, anyway.) Also, Harry & David gift towers go over particularly well. Or so I'm told.

For more information or to better coordinate your protest needs, please visit our newly established sister site, PowerLevelOneMillionGiftBoxesOnline.com!

Some men are simply born to greatness

A: I appreciate a hemorrhoids-based webcomic that never updated as much as the next person, but--who's this Robert DeJesus guy who's always invited to conventions? I tried his website but it's not that helpful.

B: Look, you can't expect him to update his website. Just because his Studio Capsule website link is printed in a convention program guide doesn't mean there needs to be anything recent there for people to look at. Besides, the sage himself has an explanation:

This may come as a surprise to some, artists do have bills and need to eat too. Since I don't make a single dime off of this website there's no fiery desire to crank out work for this site.

"Well, why can other artists get a lot of work up on their site?"

Maybe their art is not in huge demand and they have more time to update, and/or they refuse to work for 'the man'. That's all fine and dandy but in the real world, once you stop living with your parents, one needs currency to keep themselves from living out of a cardboard box.

B: See? He doesn't have to care about presentation because he is a real, working artist. As opposed to artists who regularly update their sites, because those people are probably unpopular and/or deluded.

A: Wow! That makes perfect sense! Thanks for clearing that up. He must really be amazing--I wish I could advertise on his site.

B: Can't. The link to do that is there, but it's broken.

A: He's so good he doesn't care about bennies from web advertising banners either?

B: Even to this day, there are tribes in the Polynesias that still worship him as a god.

A: Wow. That is good!

It's no excitement

Dear Broccoli and Gainax:



You were right! Nothing says must-have mecha v. Angel fighting video game like Monotype Corsiva! It's the most powerful font ever.

For a wedding invitation.

Yes, due out in June and approximately 10 years too late to be cool, Neon Genesis Evangelion Battle Orchestra looks every bit the half-assed cash-in attempt.


We know how to keep objects from overlapping! Oh wait, we don't. That's Unit 00's arm sticking out the middle of Ramiel. Crap.

Still, it's probably worth a try for two reasons. One, a plugsuited Kensuke appears in the intro, so if he is a playable pilot, this is probably the only chance anyone will ever have to make Kensuke Aida do something of interest. Then again, this is a game where the black EVA unit is armed with the pinnacle of NERV Angel-fighting technology: nightsticks. So scratch that, Kensuke's toast. Two:



Ramiel and Leliel better be playable characters, that's all I'm saying. Nothing could sum up the undying Evangelion enterprise better than paying 7000 yen to smack a cube and a sphere into each other... to the death.

Otakudom is not dead

From the pages of the local discount pharmacy circular:

Everyone has a story to tell...

Don't like mauve book covers? Then turns out you don't actually have to bother with purchasing 2004's Shoujoai Ni Bouken: The Adventures of Yuriko, the visibly homebrew novel by Erica Friedman with Kelli Nicely on illustrations. But does the carpet match the drapes? Well, the text is available online and it is fan-tastic. Generic fanfic, that is. It's more or less grammatically decent, though, if that moves you. Also moving: the dramatic opening scene in which our heroine goes! To! Makeup! In adjective-pulsing detail:

"Just once more and we’re done.” Yuriko could feel the cool slime of cold cream pass across her cheek, followed by a vigorous circular rubbing motion. Her skin became warm, and the slimy feeling changed to a slightly tacky sensation. She sighed impatiently and crossed her arms. The sensation ceased.

“You’re done.” The hairdresser was tall, scandalously thin and exceptionally effeminate. He put his hands on his hips and looked at Yuriko condescendingly. “That wasn’t *that* bad, was it?” He leaned forward, peering at her closely. “Oh wait, I missed…” She slapped his hand away and stood abruptly.

No, what would be bad would if the publishing arm of your organization thinks *asterisks are a professional-looking substitute for boldface*. Yeah, I know just about anyone can self-publish nowadays. But presentation still counts, people! That's all I'm saying.

Every time you pirate an Avril MP3, a kitten dies... oh yeah, and then this happens

A scene from Episode 8 of Avril Lavigne's Make 5 Wishes, which is now officially The Funniest Free Podcast Ever (in the Last Two Months):


Avril Lavigne gets chomped by a giant sea monster.

If otaku ruled the world, there would be no war, and also no labor movement

Anime Boston 2007: complete. There were a few complaints about the convention hotel, which is currently on the rocks with hotel employee union Local 26. Says one Anime Boston staffer:

I was running the Tetris DS tournament out on the balcony of the game room, and right before the 1st round began the strikers started making loud noise and their union party van started playing lame 90s "techno", and we kept screaming at the to STFU. And then Sheraton people came and kicked us off the balcony cause we were interrupting their strike >.>

"Jeezus fuck, what is wrong with you people? 'Working without contract for the past six months' blah blah blah. We are trying to play video games over here! And play some goddamn decent protest music while you're at it! It's like you assholes don't even have any 'Real Emotion' remixes in there."

Words there are none

From Avril Lavigne's Make 5 Wishes, Episode 7, in which our protagonist Hana acts out her secret wishes:

Public Service Message

Get the Anime Industry to Take You Seriously: A Fan's Guide to Contacting Companies via Email

1. Spam, spam, spam, glorious spam. Sending twenty identical emails titled "Read Me", "Please Read Me", and "Important - Must Read" is a great way to get people's attention. Once their junk mail filter is full, they'll have no choice but to listen to you. (Junk mail filters do get full, right?)

2. Personal insults get results. The result is that your illiterate, obscenity-strewn message will either be tossed on sight or tacked on the wall for employees to mock. Clearly, it's only a matter of time before the company, weeping with collective guilt, accedes to your demands.

3. You don't need knowledge to know what you're talking about. You've never had a real job, much less one in the anime industry. But you read ANN, for God's sake, obviously you know as much (if not more) about running a company as any of its employees. So tell companies what to do, and be prepared to quote Wikipedia if necessary; execs will bow to your superior business acumen.

4. Anime skillz are more important than work skills. Companies don't hire based on experience, education, or skill. In fact, HR always keeps a few choice game design, character design, and scriptwriter positions open because they're just waiting for you to email and say "I'm a huge fan, will you hire me? And produce a movie based on my fanfic (sample attached)?"

5. Santa Claus has branch offices in California, New York, and Texas. Maybe your parents won't buy you the company's product, but the company definitely will. Just email your address and the list of items you want for free, then wait for your package to arrive via FedEx Overnight.

If these tactics fail to achieve the desired result, it may be that the company just doesn't care about you as a fan. Because if the company really loved you, it would do whatever it took to make you happy. And like the ex-boyfriend who only dated you because he was on the rebound, the company must be forced to realize that spurning your affections was a fatal error.

The next guide will include everything you need to accomplish this and more! Here's a preview:

1. Trash your ex on the internet. Whether it's your old boyfriend's secret herpes infection or the character names and dialogue lines that the company "translated" with total disregard for the BitTorrent subtitles, let it all out so the world will know how badly you've been hurt. The more you complain, the more reasonable you will sound.