Stallion? Neigh!

Now that I am the proud (?) owner of a gift copy of Stallion, everyone's favorite wild west English-language yaoi, I can say not only is it definitely sucky, but it's also half a book short.

You'll only realize this if you purchase the book online since there's no mention of it on the book cover, but Stallion only takes up half of its volume--the rest of the space is taken up by two other shorts from Studio KÔSEN, plus the story Cancellation of Darkness. So not only is the story basically kinda crappy, it's not even the crap you thought you were paying for. Thanks, Yaoi Press!

Anyway, Stallion is the thinly-scripted story of a trio of forgettable anorexics with rigorous depilatory regimens, whose fates and loves intertwine under the hot desert sun or something to that effect. The titular (Savage) Stallion is a generic Native American from a nameless tribe that mostly consists of an old woman in a tipi. (In the middle of a barren wasteland devoid of plant life? Well, alright, I suppose.) His purpose in this narrative is to a) be token exotic eye candy, and b) take it up the ass from various white folks such as Josey the bounty hunter, unto whom Stallion gladly renders a blow job and a portion of his own soul. Watch out for soul syphilis!

Still, the creators attempt to give Stallion some dignity. Or not. Actually, they just compare him to an animal:

Since he has a name related to horses, we wanted to give Savage Stallion some slight features from them. His eyes are a bit bigger and darker than the other characters [sic] ones. His buttocks are a bit rounder...

That's as close as you're ever going to get to character notes in this thing, so get used to it.


Anyway, opposing Josey and his white man's burden is the wispy cowboy Bill (seen above), who shares the same tragic eating disorder as his foes and draws webcomics in his spare time. Despite being about as intimidating as a hipster working the Soho Apple store, cowboy Bill still manages to ride around the desert raping our heroes until Stallion fells him with a thrown dagger between the eyes. A dagger he keeps unsheathed and tucked in the back of his modesty thong:


Yes, that makes perfect sense.

See, I've never tried to ride horses and tackle bounty hunters in the old west, much less do so with a naked blade shoved down a G-string. It is entirely possible that the practice poses no potential hazards whatsoever to the integrity of my underwear and my fulsomely rounded, horse-like buttocks. So I guess I should cut KÔSEN some slack.

I'm also willing to cut linguistic slack to the Spanish KÔSEN, who seem like a fairly likeable pair of artists for all their authorial shortcomings. But Stallion was supposedly edited by Xaviera Pallars and Yamila "Female Parts That Make You Feel Icky" Abraham, neither of whom figured out that dialogue like "They said my tits were too big for the dress" doesn't ring true to the wild west. (For what it's worth, the OED traces the slang usage of "tits" to 1928.) None of this stopped Stallion from getting four stars on Amazon, for what it's worth (not a lot). But let's face it, if you're looking for plot, characterization, and writing, what the hell are you doing reading girls' manga porn in the first place?

On the other hand, if you're bored at work and you want to see how many people will start laughing after reading the back cover copy alone, then Stallion is well worth the purchase. I highly recommend it!

Special Bonus Feature!
The last page of Stallion is an ad for Zesty!, a free shounen-ai webcomic from Yaoi Press, featuring rave reviews from the likes of... PikachuGoddess and TwilightDNA?

More manga copy I love (not really)

Via Go! Comi press release:

CY-BELIEVERS is the new series by Shioko Mizuki, creator of Go! Comi’s highly popular CROSSROAD. When Ryo’s controlling father betroths her to a lecherous upperclassman, her only hope is a club of hot computer geeks!

In A.I. REVOLUTION the daughter of a scientist finds herself surrounded on all sides by violent bishonen robots who she must teach to live — and love — like humans.

Query: does it really matter if robots must learn to live - and love - like humans? That's what humans are for. Still, people never tire of stories about the human-robot condition even though robots are really for shooting laser beams at people you dislike and transforming into jetcopters (also with lasers). You know. Useful activities.

Let's face it, anyone who invests countless research dollars and hours of manpower in designing a robot, however pretty, whose highest purpose cannot be achieved until it's ready to direct-dial my cell at 3 AM on a work night and sobbingly demand to know why I won't talk about our relationship, deserves only to be punched repeatedly in the face. Then again, people never tire of saying "I get the premise, but why would anyone breed super-intelligent sharks to cure the disease?" or "I get the premise, but why do governments continually invest in secret programs to create out-of-control psychic killing machines?" and handing over ten bucks for a ticket (or manga) anyway.

Hell, I paid to see Aeon Flux. And the return on my investment was every bit as terrible as I'd hoped.

Welcome to my dark pit of darkness, but watch out--it's dark!

Ah, the Great Lakes Avengers/Initiative/what have you. A promising idea, often executed with all the subtlety and nuance of a sledgehammer to the cranium. (Maybe I'll start buying once they get rid of the editorial commentary by the damn talking squirrel.) Yet there are still bits--this one courtesy of the Deadpool/GLI Summer Fun Spectacular preview at PopCultureShock.com--that are so, so right:


It's like half the shows and comics I've seen, all compressed into one tidy panel!

This got four stars on Amazon. Four. Stars.

Orchiee Fairchild the third is an exorcist who hops through the land on his pogo stick purging demonic powers with his living marionette companion, Doodoo. Orchiee's travels brings him to Kingsgoie Lanzbarg University where he meets the beautiful student Philip Gillson, who employs him for a spiritual cleansing. A love affair brews between the two right as strange events start happening at the University. A dark force is raping and brainwashing the male students. It's up to Orchiee and Doodoo to put a stop to it.

I'm not sure, but I think this is supposed to come off as wacky and zany instead of half-assed and sorely needing a functioning proofreader. Who wrote this crappy copy? Why did they feel the need to waste space on irrelevant details like "Kingsgoie Lanzbarg"? Who thought this cluttered mess of a title logo in any way resembles a professional product worth your hard-earned cash?

Anyway, such is the wonderously amateurish pitch for OEL yaoi as brought to you by the febrile mind of Stephen Doerr, self-styled illustrator/sculptor/martial artist/janitor and author of Exorcisms and Pogo Sticks. Personal motto: In Doerr We Fart. Oh, the sparkling wit! Don't take my word for it--Sequential Tart's Kat "Lowering the Bar" Avila claims that "Doerr's fanciful character designs and humor-filled dialogue can put a silver lining in any cloudy day." Personally, I would prefer that Doerr's fanciful character designs not put the thought of Adam Warren: The Early Middle School Years in my mind, but what the hell do I know.

However, the best part, and by "best" I mean "most likely to make me question the existence of God", is that there is in fact a second volume of Exorcisms and Pogo Sticks: The man-slut Orchiee and his marionette side-kick Doodoo are back for another arcane adventure blah blah blah. As terrible as the pitch is, you can amuse yourself for at least five minutes by coming up with your own names of Doerr-esque absurdity and inserting them where appropriate:

The man-slut Glamour McDanger, Esq. and his marionette side-kick Buttpunch...
The man-slut Fheevee J. Johnson Jr...
The man-slut Wackums von Tittles-Guffaw...

Try it yourself, it's fun! Or at least, something to do while waiting for the bus.

101 Things to Do in Long Beach When You're Dead Inside

One easy way to entertain coworkers at an anime convention is to pick up the free, glossy literature lying around and read it aloud. For example, grab the ICv2 Guide to Manga, open it up to a random page, and read the following manga descriptions in your best movie trailer voice:

1. This shonen ai/yaoi manga features pure love at the judo club between a cute boy and an ideal man.

2. A male shinigami is sent to earth on a mission, but instead of a normal skeletal form in a mix-up he gets the body of a sexy catholic high school girl, whose spirit ends up in the skeleton so she has to tag along and try to keep the shinigami's dirty mitts off her nubile form.

3. So when he catches a glimpse of a beautiful stranger and her strawberry panties set against the backdrop of the setting sun, all he can think about is recreating the scene on film. Thinking she is the owner of the underwear in question, Junpei begins dating the popular and perky Tsukasa, hoping that as his girlfriend she'll be willing to appear on camera. Little does he know that shy, nerdy, bookworm Aya also owns a pair of strawberry panties...

4. A rash of unexplained deaths on the U.S. border with Mexico provides the backdrop for this OEL yaoi romance thriller. Rated 18--hey, I know that one! The art's really good for a yaoi title, too:


Frank says: I thought we agreed NO CHICKS.


Oh, Hatemonger. Your white power wuv is so twoo.

White Town

Looky look, it's the 10 finalists for the New York Anime Festival Mascot Contest! What best captures the spirit of anime in New York City, that melting pot of all conceivable nations and cultures?



White people. How white? Bavarian-Holly-Hobbie-goes-street-urchin white.

Okay, to be fair, the Ringo Broadway girl is kinda taupe. But you'll probably sooner see an inhuman mascot like a fucking apple robot or a catgirl or a flaming dog-lizard in a military jacket before you ever see a anime event mascot who looks, for example, African-American. Or even Cablinasian. Cablinasian would at least be a start. Caucasian, East Asian, gay, straight, possible were-lepus transvestite, human-animal hybrid, robot, whatever--all of these are perfectly acceptable features in anime convention mascots, just as long as they're not brown.

Anyway, feel free to continue blithely endorsing them dominant racial norms here until the poll closes on June 29th!

Your improbable girlfriend is blocking my view of the exploding robots, please move

The New York Times has an article on Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, screenwriters for the upcoming Transformers movie. Alex, I'll take "Crapping on a Perfectly Good Franchise" for $100:

What ultimately sold Mr. Kurtzman and Mr. Orci (who share a story credit on the film with John Rogers) on “Transformers,” and Mr. Bay as well, was the opportunity to tell a story about a boy and his car — a car that just happens to be a robot in disguise.

“It’s all the things that a car represents in this country,” Mr. Orci said. “That’s a story of stepping into adulthood, stepping into responsibility, possibly a gateway to sex. That is a story — with or without a giant robot.”

Sorry, but what you've actually described are all the things that Kiss Play represents. Next time, you might want to try describing a story about things that are actually awesome.

Am I completely out there? You can tell me if I'm totally out there. Was I the only one that loved Transformers for the robot dinosaurs and Sharkticon pits and shit? Or was I actually supposed to be immersed in Spike and Daniel's Decepticon-plagued passage to manhood? 'Cause I'd rather have robot dinosaurs.

Licensing show news you'd rather not use

Hot on the trail of other Transformers animated series we didn't really need, it's Transformers Animated! Offering a "new twist on the original series", each episode is "a standalone storyline featuring everyday heroes who do good deeds that triumph over evil."

Alas, "everyday heroes" suggests less robots with laser guns, more fleshbags like little girls named Sari who are voiced by Tara Strong. But that's the core appeal of the Transformers brand: stirring tales of plucky humans who do the right thing and wear The Strokes T-shirts. Not, as is commonly believed, talking robots who transform into jets and eat planets. Not at all.

Maybe he can date Marissa in issue #4

Dear Greg Pak:

Thanks for adding more Asian-American characters to the Marvel Comics stable. But seriously, guy, you can take Amadeus Cho back now. The comics world--okay, let's face it, the world--needs more Sooper Brilliant Teenagers Who Outwit Grownups and Stuffs... in Your Face! about as much as it needs more Random Asian Ninja Cheesecake. ("No, seriously, I'm British!") Tacking the word "ASIAN!" between "Sooper" and "Brilliant"? Does not automatically redeem this or any idea.

As you said last year: "I had this idea of doing a story about an insanely smart kid, but one who wasn't a reject or dork or geek."

You and every other fanfic writer on the intarweb. But hey, you know, the ranks of Marvel Universe superbrains/futurists/crazed geniuses/etc. are so devoid of male characters, at least you're breaking utterly new ground on that angle.

...nah.

Next!

Yours with the deepest sincerity, etc.

Also try Jerich Olives.com for all your catering needs

Huzzay! CBS has decided to give Jericho seven more episodes. Which means the rest of you potential fan agitators should already be selecting delicious, delicious treats to best suit your message. In fact, it's best not to wait for a reason to protest; pre-emptive action is the key. Example: want to ensure Viz continues releasing Yakitate!! Japan? What better encouragement than boxes upon boxes of scrumptious confections and baked goods, right now?

Fauchon and Payard both ship. Not a request, merely a suggestion.

Meanwhile, a Television Without Pity poster asks:

Just what is the responsibility of TWoP with regard to throwing its ever-expanding influence solidly behind this effort?

To which the obvious answer is the sound of hysterical, soul-dead laughter.