Public Service Message

Get the Anime Industry to Take You Seriously: A Fan's Guide to Contacting Companies via Email

1. Spam, spam, spam, glorious spam. Sending twenty identical emails titled "Read Me", "Please Read Me", and "Important - Must Read" is a great way to get people's attention. Once their junk mail filter is full, they'll have no choice but to listen to you. (Junk mail filters do get full, right?)

2. Personal insults get results. The result is that your illiterate, obscenity-strewn message will either be tossed on sight or tacked on the wall for employees to mock. Clearly, it's only a matter of time before the company, weeping with collective guilt, accedes to your demands.

3. You don't need knowledge to know what you're talking about. You've never had a real job, much less one in the anime industry. But you read ANN, for God's sake, obviously you know as much (if not more) about running a company as any of its employees. So tell companies what to do, and be prepared to quote Wikipedia if necessary; execs will bow to your superior business acumen.

4. Anime skillz are more important than work skills. Companies don't hire based on experience, education, or skill. In fact, HR always keeps a few choice game design, character design, and scriptwriter positions open because they're just waiting for you to email and say "I'm a huge fan, will you hire me? And produce a movie based on my fanfic (sample attached)?"

5. Santa Claus has branch offices in California, New York, and Texas. Maybe your parents won't buy you the company's product, but the company definitely will. Just email your address and the list of items you want for free, then wait for your package to arrive via FedEx Overnight.

If these tactics fail to achieve the desired result, it may be that the company just doesn't care about you as a fan. Because if the company really loved you, it would do whatever it took to make you happy. And like the ex-boyfriend who only dated you because he was on the rebound, the company must be forced to realize that spurning your affections was a fatal error.

The next guide will include everything you need to accomplish this and more! Here's a preview:

1. Trash your ex on the internet. Whether it's your old boyfriend's secret herpes infection or the character names and dialogue lines that the company "translated" with total disregard for the BitTorrent subtitles, let it all out so the world will know how badly you've been hurt. The more you complain, the more reasonable you will sound.