WTF = Why, Transformers?

Okay, so I'm far from being an expert on anime, manga, etc., but hey, that's why I merely contribute when I can, as opposed to running these blog-like thingies on the Intertron. I, do, however, have a passion for Transformers that exists somewhere deep in the realm of obsession.

So, for a brief rundown, America stopped giving a crap about TF in roughly 1987. The cartoon went away, toys kept on coming out, but for the most part, once the animated fix was gone, the property started to fizzle. Japan, on the other hand, ran with it, taking TF in a subtly different direction, through three TV shows (Headmasters, Masterforce, and Victory, for those playing the home game,) some TV Magazine comics, and an OAV. Toys kept on coming out, and as a whole, TF was a consistent, if ailing, property.

Of course, if there's one thing that Takara can't sell, it's sentient robots. We get Beast Wars, they get... well, I won't get into the Japanese version, which was pretty much One Piece in reverse, to put it politely. When adapting the show to "better fit" Japanese culture, they turned it into the most childish crap imaginable, and this is coming from someone who plays with toy robots.

So, as many people who keep up on these sorts of things might know, Takara began to have money problems. See, they weren't making any. Tomy has since bought them out, but they've got to deal with Takara's remnants of their tail-end of TF product. Since they couldn't sell children's toys, they figured that it was time to move back to milking the adult collectors. Using existing molds from the TF: Alternators line (Binaltech in Japan,) an already tween-to-adult aimed line of 1:24 scale cars that turned into beloved characters, they came up with Binaltech Asterisk. Take a $40-$50 toy, and include a figurine of some obscure female character, possibly dressed for the part, possibly not. We're not picky, since collectors will buy any plastic girl, right?

Well, no. Sales weren't stellar, but again, it's a $50 toy. This stuff doesn't come cheap, kids. I could start snorting lines of coke off of a golden hooker's ass while smoking Cuban cigars lit with $100 bills, and I'd wager that it would cost less than keeping up on all of this goddamned merchandise. Bring out 3 of these guys, and I'm pretty deep in the hole just over nostalgia. (Counting the pre-Asterisk releases, there's 31 of these freaking toys. And people wonder why I went with the much-cheaper US versions.) Of course, Takara doesn't figure that it's a question of pricing. It's clearly that they haven't gone far enough!

I give you... Kiss Players.

There's a story behind it, a radio play, etc., and I'm sure that someone in Japan finds it not creepy at all. That is, after all, the defense used by any of its American fans. We're just too puritanical to get it! What do you mean, loli? They're all of legal age, they just LOOK twelve!

It does not end there, folks. See, there's a manga. It makes the whole thing limited to ages 15 and up, and this is the NSFW reason why.

I don't know about you people, but I sure as hell didn't order any hentacle with my TFs. Thank God that this one's over.

Secret and Not So Secret Files of Foreigner's Crimes

Via Gawker comes a Guardian article: A magazine plays to Japanese xenophobia.

Interestingly, the article gives some line time to Debito Arudou (nee David Aldwinckle), mildly controversial naturalized Japanese citizen and civil rights gadfly.

But is it really xenophobia at work here? Secret Files of Foreigner's Crimes is the name (in translation) and from the description given, the point of the mag seems pretty much what the title implies: foreigners are dangerous, and also, they will totally bogart Japanese chicks. At a glance, the cropped cover shot does say things like "protect yourself from foreign crimes", but it also depicts in no uncertain terms the true danger to Japan: zombies.

"Gaijin" is used here as a code name for zombies. Secret Files of Foreigner's Crimes is an encrypted publication used to disseminate vital information throughout Japan without alerting Umbrella Corporation's Tokyo office that confidential info on the true extent of the T-Virus menace has now fallen into resistance hands. Citizens of Japan, be alert, be informed!

And invest in a 2x4 with a nails in the end. Just in case.

As for what coded meaning the word "Borat" holds for UN High Commissioner Howie Carr, though, I think it just stands for "man or fabricated media persona originating from interchangeable Third World hellhole located somewhere vaguely east of Europe."

Wow, it's dirty in here. Bring soap!

Courtesy of Lampbane, a little shot of ipecac for your soul.

The game in question is 陽射しの中のリアル (Hizashi no Naka no Real) [not safe for work; probably not safe for life], a Flash-based game where you get your creepy sex groove on with suspiciously young-looking (not-real) girls. So basically, there really is no way in the world to defend yourself if you're ever caught playing this game in earnest; that spreading warmth - no, the other one, even lower than that - is the sulfurous fires of hell rising up to engulf you right in front of your astonished parents (or whoever's turn it is to leave the meals outside your bedroom door today).

The game's developer, mu-soft (previously BitMap Works), has some staff profiles on their website, which are pretty much exactly what you'd expect. Wow! They're all otaku! No shit.

I'll be back later to answer your questions, but first--

Not a lot of local media love for cartoon morons Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens, with their buffoon-like comments and their "starving artists" schtick. Also, the Globe et al are now more-than-implying that Interference, the guerrilla marketing firm behind it all, purposely didn't defuse the ruckus until later in the day.

Unsurprisingly, Interference blanked out their website yesterday - it now has a generic non-apology and some sloppy HTML up top - and declined to answer questions. Their head honcho is, um, out of town. Yeah. That's it. Out of town.

(It's never a good sign when the boss also answers to "Sanjay" and has Froghammer on his resume.)

Anyway, hopefully they'll wrap up the media trial phase soon and clear these folks off the radar, 'cause Berdovsky has this Zach de la Rocha / "I played in Korn" vibe that makes it hard for me to care. So hard. Not that he needs my concern now that he has 15 minutes of fame!

Even more troubling, any combination of artists and endeavors that include the word "guerilla" reminds me of that one time I ran into this hipster guy who thought he was, like, an artist 'cause he got a New York Magazine profile for jizzing on stuff a lot and, y'know, the next thing I remember, I'm standing next to this dumpster with blood all over my hands, and I'm just screaming "the Dutch Masters will eat you" over and over? And the blood wasn't even mine? Yeah, that was a little weird.

Coakley is gonna get you... tonight

Sayeth the Annotated Laws of Massachusetts, Part IV, Title 1, Ch. 266, §102A1/2:

§ 102A1/2. Possession of Hoax Device.

(a) Whoever possesses, transports, uses or places or causes another to knowingly or unknowingly possess, transport, use or place any hoax device or hoax substance with the intent to cause anxiety, unrest, fear or personal discomfort to any person or group of persons shall be punished by imprisonment in a house of correction for not more than two and one-half years or by imprisonment in the state prison for not more than five years or by a fine of not more than $5,000, or by both such fine and imprisonment.

(b) For the purposes of this section, the term "hoax device" shall mean any device that would cause a person reasonably to believe that such device is an infernal machine. For the purposes of this section, the term "infernal machine" shall mean any device for endangering life or doing unusual damage to property, or both, by fire or explosion, whether or not contrived to ignite or explode automatically. For the purposes of this section, the words "hoax substance" shall mean any substance that would cause a person reasonably to believe that such substance is a harmful chemical or biological agent, a poison, a harmful radioactive substance or any other substance for causing serious bodily injury, endangering life or doing unusual damage to property, or both.

Somehow, I don't think they're impressed. ("Dude, you know what would make this even funnier? If we were totally baked right now." "Yeah, motherfuckin' word to that.")

Addendum:
Oops, the Globe has decided they were actually vaguely contrite after all. ("Shit, they're looking at us. Do the camera face!")

Dear Boston: ha ha, you be stupid. Now come see our movie. [Adult Swim]

Friends describe Berdovsky as talented, 'great kid'

That's right. The Boston Herald is already giving Peter Berdovsky, arrested artiste-cum-guerilla marketing deployer for hire, the perp treatment. Unfortunately his mother is still in Belarus, so there will be no press conferences in which she sobs hysterically and says she doesn't believe her son did it, he never meant to hurt anyone, he was always very quiet, such a good boy.

Well, maybe someone will pony up a swank defense lawyer for the kid. Can they get him Richard Gere? The kid already kinda has that Edward-Norton-living-under-a-bridge look. I think it just might work.

Meanwhile, Turner's Phil Kent offered up another, wordier non-apology:

"We really deeply regret that it was horribly misinterpreted to be a public danger, when all it was intended to do was to draw attention to a late-night television show," said Phil Kent, chairman and chief executive of the network, based in Atlanta. "This is not the kind of publicity we would ever seek."

In other words: We're sorry you're stupid. It's not our fault that you're stupid. Good luck with being stupid and all the best, Phil K.

But don't front, Phil; five bucks says the guys at AS are totally high-fiving. (We hold in our grasp the power to bring cities to their knees!) Plus, now even New York Times readers know that Err "seems angry, with slanted eyebrows and what appear to be raised middle fingers." You can't buy this kind of publicity! Except with a team of lawyers to fend off apoplectic politicians waving bills for the BPD, but you know. Close enough.

You guys should totally talk to Eric Schaeffer

Mainichi Daily New's Wai Wai features Shukan Josei on Japan Cherry Boys Club vows to end innocence by drawing lines, practicing judo:

Japan's male virgins have given up on the idea of being unwillingly celibate for life and will do their bit to curb the dramatically declining national birthrate, the head of the Japan Cherry Boys Association tells Shukan Josei (2/13).

That's not even the best part, not even close. The honor goes to:

"First and foremost, we study. To make sure we have an anatomical background of women, we all draw pictures of female genitalia and critique them," Watanabe tells the women's weekly. "We had one guy who just drew a straight line and said, 'I'm finished.' That's how little we all know. It's really pathetic."

Shoujo stories where girls fall in love with their rapists in 10 pages or less are totally deep and shit

Underage anime girls aren't the only objects of glassy-eyed idolization out there. Witness Wakaranai's response to Avril Lavigne's Make 5 Wishes:

It really just pains me to say the name of ‘manga’ and all it stands for [Including harems, salaryman porn, women working out their issues through yaoi, battling an endless succession of enemies to be the best, and a lasting phobia of pubic hair? -Ed.] being whored out to the mindless cultural retardation of US pop-culture, [As opposed to the intelligent acceleration of Japanese pop culture. -Ed.] to create some soulless marketing abomination which will be lapped up by the unsuspecting public and mistrued as being an actual manga.

Who knew you could Humbert Humbert the concept of manga? The author elaborates in a comment further down:

I don’t actually think manga is inherently better than any other genre or cultural phenomenon just because it’s manga.

Except for two lines down where she says manga "is far less mindless and trite" than Avril Lavigne and what she represents:

But if you think that MTV and its associated musical culture (The pop charts etc) is of the same creative calibre as the average manga release then you should seriously rethink your analysis.

Later on, another commentator on the blog writes:

Wow…..that’s so….disgusting! How could they? Why do people always feel the need to widen their marketing spectrum by invading popular pop-cultures like manga, just for the sake of money?

Manga, on the other hand, when kept pure in race (especially race) and thought (cultures should be kept separate and unequal), is fueled by creative and artistic integrity. Not money. The truth is, such is the publishing industry that editors welcome their artists with stardust kisses and everyone operates on budgets of fairy dew and moonlight ambrosia. Honest.

Mooninite two gives Menino the finger

Today in Boston, Mooninite landings across Boston forced police to scramble into action and block off traffic. But no fear, citizens, it was all part of an Aqua Teen Hunger Force promotion - well, except for the part about police scrambling into action and pissed-off public officials. Who would have thought planting odd objects with flashing lights on bridges could possibly have caused the slightest alarm in any part of our peaceful, carefree nation?

Hang on, don't answer that.

Clearly, this is one of the odd things that can happen when either a) PR is too cheap to shell out for actual billboards (no halted MTA bus, no fuss - and you can flip off entire richly deserving neighborhoods at a time), or b) PR is okayed by the same brilliant minds who decided 12 Oz. Mouse was a good pickup.^*

In a clever use of the classic "Well, I'm sorry you decided to be offended" defense, most famously utilized in Justice Brown's opinion upholding segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson but called into action any time anyone feels obligated to non-apologize for something they're not the least bit sorry about (and probably wish they could do again just to see you react), Turner Broadcasting offered the following brief statement:

The ''packages'' in question are magnetic lights that pose no danger. They are part of an outdoor marketing campaign in 10 cities in support of Adult Swim’s animated television show Aqua Teen Hunger Force. They have been in place for two to three weeks in Boston, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Austin, San Francisco, and Philadelphia. Parent company Turner Broadcasting is in contact with local and federal law enforcement on the exact locations of the billboards. We regret that they were mistakenly thought to pose any danger.

Meanwhile, following 5 minutes of intense online research (4.9 if you count the time it took to type "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" into Google), the Boston Globe article helpfully fills in readers on what exactly is going on:

The boxy character is named Err and appears to be raising his middle finger and giving an obscene gesture. Err is described on the "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" website as "rebellious and angry."

Sounds like a perfect Al Qaeda recruit to me.


^* PR decisions not actually okayed by same brilliant minds who decided 12 Oz. Mouse was a good pickup. In no plane or tangential dimension of the multiverse have brilliant minds considered 12 Oz. Mouse a good pickup, ever.

As if a warhead of happiness spread its joyful shrapnel though my heart!!

Avril Lavigne: The Manga. That is, Del Rey's bringing you Avril Lavigne's Make 5 Wishes. No word on a tie-in single yet; we can only pray that Eragon didn't overly tax her artistic wellspring.

Illustrator Camilla d'Errico does a fitting Range Murata-esque sideline in hapless young girls and technology, although Del Rey's sample spread looks more webcomic than professional. On her website, D'Errico begins her artist statement like so:

The artist in me finds joy in angst.

Truer words were ne'er spoken, which brings us to author Joshua Dysart's online journal and the following description of the 2-volume attempt to cash in on Avril's Japanese and Korean fans:

All my standard themes are in place. All the humanist based horror, all the loneliness and, yes, all the tragedy found in any of my work can also be found here.

So it's a tragic, young adult horror story. But, strangely, one about Avril and not Britney, Lindsey, Paris, or some drunken, cooch-flashing, shiny-car-no-know-how-to-driving, career-diving chimera of all three. Okay, you could argue that rhyming "boi" with "boi" is somewhat horrific, may even count as genuine artistic tragedy... but we'll pass on that for now.

And by humanist based horror, loneliness, and tragedy, Dysart means profound lines like "[Her music] was in every part of my life, and even though it seemed to come from so far away... it still felt like it was aimed right at me... like a missile!! Her music took away the numbness." Sonic ICBM healing, Make 5 Wishes's readers will soon need your help as well. Please.

There's no actual plot reason to brand the story with Avril Lavigne's name; Generic Pop Music Vehicle for Superficial Girl Empowerment's 5 Wishes would work just as well. Alas, no mention of the manga has made it onto the real Avril's official website. On the other hand, neither have the past two months.